When Abromowitz Had a Sense of Humor
Excerpts from past articles by Michael Abromowitz
by Michael Abromowitz
Senior Writer
1/27/09


These past four years I have had the privilege of sharing my writings with so many of you.  This site started as an outlet for me to share my thoughts and feelings.  Four years later, this site has grown to be bigger than myself and now most of my time and effort is focused on the NFL Draft, something I dearly love.  Still, I won't forget all the memorable, humorous articles I wrote.  For the few whom I was able to put a smile on your face, it was worth it.  For the many, who probably were better off reading only my football content, I don't apologize.  In such a serious society, even in sports, it is nice to just relax and have a laugh.  Please enjoy.

From 12/20/2007
I started this site a few years ago with the purpose of giving my readers thorough NFL Draft analysis, but also to entertain them.  Well as the site grew, it started becoming a site respectable for strong analysis on the draft, the NFL season, and fantasy football.  With that, funny Michael vanished and all that was left was Obsessive Draft Nerd Michael.  Not, that ODN Michael is bad - get it I already created an acronym for my draft persona, but sometimes I just want to come out of the closet (different closet) and show my true self, the one that started this site, the funny Michael.  Humor is the essence of life – I don’t really know what the means, but it sounds powerful and something I would find on a Hallmark Card.

Speaking of another one liner, one of my buddies is an avid songwriter/musician.  Brian Singer (or god’s gift to women, one girl told me) gave me a sneak peek of his new song.  In the song, which is of course about a girl, he sings, “The stars are bright but it's you that shines.”  Immediately after hearing that I knew I had found my new pickup line for the next couple of months.  Telling a girl that she shines brighter than the stars is truly a complement, and a girl would have to be either stupid or sober to not just fall for the guy.  Brian Singer is a musical genius.  He has been helping me with words to tell to women for awhile now.  Its interesting though, no women has actually fallen for them.  Maybe it’s because they just don’t have a strong understanding of what quality English is or maybe it is just the plain stupid fact that the words sound so much better with an acoustic guitar and someone who actually has a singing voice singing the song.  Some person is probably thinking couldn’t I come up with some words of my own to say.  And the answer is an obvious yes.  But, if my own words fail, I got no one to blame, but myself and what would the fun be in that.

Before, I get any farther; I know what many of you guys were thinking:  this ODN actually goes out to bars? Shouldn’t he be home analyzing football games, studying his rankings, working on his mock draft, and doing what other ODNs do?  Sadly, the answer probably is yes.  That Obsessive Female Draft Nerd is out there somewhere.  I may have to search all the football blogs to find her, but I will.  Note:  I am not looking purely for a girl who likes football.  Really, almost any girl would do.  You know those USC Cheerleaders, yeah they would surely do.        

If you made it this far, congrats.  I figured many readers left the page after I mentioned “Hallmark” and “god’s gift to women.”  But, the fun must continue.

As I make a transition from role models, it just reminds me that Marko Jaric has to be the Rudy story for every guy everywhere.  Here is a guy, not the pretty boy that Tom Brady is, has some basketball talent, but not the talent for a little kid to ever want to buy his jersey, but enough talent to stay in the league.  But out of no where, he was able to lift Adriana Lima off her feet.  Just a note, Lima is a Victoria’s Secret supermodel, so she probably just flew using her wings. But he did it, when no one thought he could.  He may have wanted to do it for “his father,” or maybe it was one of his friends “back home” in Serbia who died in a freak accident, but he wanted the opportunity to date one of the prettiest women in the land.  And he wasn’t going to let his lack of NBA stardom affect him.  He worked hard every day on the court to improve his game, just for the chance to date Adriana Lima.  He worked day and night, running, shooting, studying game film, anything to give him an edge.  And when he was at his maximum talent, he went up to Ms. Lima and used every single Brian Singer lyric that he could think of until he got her to like him.   All of us men out there should be yelling, “Marko, Marko, Marko.”  Next time I turn on and watch a Minnesota Timberwolves’ game (there probably won’t be a next time), I expect those Timberwolves players to carry Jaric off the court.  Note:  I am a huge Rudy fan, so I apologize for the parallelism.


From 6/27/2007
One stupid fact:  combined, the Abromowitz family has dressed for one high school varsity football game.  Younger brother Scott has that distinction- he had the whole Rudy moment except for the part about getting on the field.   Ironically, Scott's one game was against the Sidney Yellow Jackets, while Rudy's was against the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets.  Rudy has gone on to use his story to teach millions the idea of never giving up; and if you fail work harder.  Scott has used his story to teach children the importance of quitting hopeless dreams


From 9/15/2006
My first article in a month!  Wow!  I totally had some serious writer’s block.  Or was it that I was just avoiding hate mail for the past month?   I really do not have a good excuse to you.  Wait… it comes to me.  Ah, the brilliant word that so many people use to describe why they are not working:  sabbatical.  I was on sabbatical.  I was doing research on the life of the average American experience.  I wanted to see what it was like going to football games.  I also wanted to take that experience and see how it compares to watching the game on a recliner eating a bunch of potato chips.  Anyways, this is a great marketing pitch for one of my friend’s companies: Dirty Potato Chips.  The next time you are watching the game on the couch, enjoy it with a bag of Dirty Potato Chips.  They really are the best chips in the world.   Anyway, back to the sabbatical.  After my month long research and extensive analysis, I have come to the conclusion that Americans love football.  So now my sabbatical is finished and I can go back to writing cheesy and sometimes annoying football articles.  Oh yeah, go back to having my webmail filled with lovely hate mail.  Oh for my critics who say I am full of crap about this sabbatical stuff.  As I mentioned in a previous article, this is what you need to do.  Listen clearly.  You need to get off your butt, drive or fly to South Dakota.  After you get to South Dakota, drive into the Black Hills.  When you get there, you are going to have drive around and look for your sense of humor.  The Black Hills is a big place, for some of you critics it could take a while.  If the last thing was totally stupid, maybe I should go to the Black Hills and find my own sense of humor.

Anyway, if you get down this far in the article I want to congratulate you on getting closer to the actual column.  However, you will not be receiving any certificate because it is not like you chopped wood with your pinky. You read!  Yeah, you read.  Maybe for pride, next time you are at the water cooler you could go to a fellow employee, and tell them this:  “Yo, guess what? I read TheFootballExpert.com’s article and completed the first paragraph all by myself.”  Maybe afterwards you do a little celebratory dance.  It probably will have the same effect of Road Trip’s Kyle.  “I had sex last night, with a girl!”  Also, you will be doing the website great favors with your word by word advertisement.   Now to the actual article.  I hear the audience as they get quiet  preparing to find out what the heck the actual article is.  Ladies and gentlemen can I have the envelope please.  This article will be………..dramatic moments need pauses………….Top Ten Reasons why it is OK to Miss Your Football Team’s Game.   For dramatic effect, I will go backwards from 10-1.  At last, here we go

Top Ten Reasons why it is OK to Miss Your Football Team’s Game
10.   You want to be like Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie so you are busy saving an undeveloped country in Africa.

9.   You have the opportunity to go out with a beautiful lady.  I hate to be picky, but I think it is only worth missing the game if she is a 7 or higher.  Some guys might have stricter scales and only allow 8 or higher.

8.    You are serving our country in the armed forces.  You have far more important issues to worry about.  I thank all of you for serving our country.

7.    You are Nostradamus.  If you know the outcome of the game, I guess there is no real reason to watch it.  Anyways, if you were Nostradamus you should use your powers to pick the winning lottery numbers.

6.    You are on your honeymoon.  I know what you are thinking.  This is only on the list because these days every one seems to go to some exotic island where there is no access to football.  So this is not on the list because you want to spend time with your new spouse, you just have no other choice.  Maybe people will start doing honeymoons in Cincinnati.  Don’t laugh, my parents did that…. a few years ago.

5.    You are Paris Hilton.  Ms. Hilton might say she likes the Cardinals because she likes Matt Leinart’s butt, but she probably has no idea how to play the game.  So I think she has a reason not to watch the game.  She should probably go do something she is good at, however, I cannot think of anything.

4.    You are one of the football players suspended for the season because of the NFL drug policy.  Missing a whole season can be tough.  It only makes it harder having to watch your team play while you are stuck at home.  If I were you I recommend you going somewhere exotic like Jamaica to get away from it all.  Wait a minute!  The more I think of the drug policy, Jamaica may not be the best place.  Better go to Europe:  have you been to Amsterdam?

3.    The Pussycat Dolls are touring in your city.  No, I have never been to one of The Pussycat Dolls’ concert, but I imagine it is a little burlesque mixed with some cheesy singing.  So in other words, sounds pretty entertaining.

2.    You are Dan Snyder.  Instead of spending each week watching your billion dollar investment disappoint you, I recommend a vacation to one of you castles or islands.  I mean I figure your new buddy Tom Cruise knows a few people.  If I have it right, he is still friendly with Penelope Cruz.  Wait a minute, if I was Dan Snyder, I would certainly be missing the game.   Penelope Cruz is hot.  I would not mind Tom Cruise's sloppy seconds.  NOTE:  I know Mr. Snyder is married.

1.    You are a Packers or Raiders fan.  Sorry guys, this is going to be a long season.  Lucky for Oakland, the A’s might make the playoffs.  For you Packers, you always have some great cheese.  Packer fans start watching some Oklahoma football games, Adrian Peterson could be a Packer next year.  For you Raider fans, you should be watching some Notre Dame games, and I bet you know why.

Well, I am out.  I got a hot date, well if you consider a 7 hot.


From 7/26/2006

The point of this article is very little, and it is for pure entertainment only.  And if I fail to entertain you, I urge you to read one of Bill Simmons’ articles on ESPN.com.  If Simmons fails to entertain you, I urge you to travel to the Black Hills of South Dakota and find a sense of humor.

Now, back to the article:  What if there was no football?  Yes, this seems like a very corny topic, but I know many of you have had a hard time these past months without the football, what would life be if the dead season was year around? 

If there was no football the divorce rate would be lower.  Every Sunday, millions of husbands leave their wives to either go to the stadium, a bar, or buddy’s house to watch a football game.  Before I get too far, I admit there are many female football fans.  Those women are what you call keepers.  I do not count the women who go to the football games and bring a magazine to read as football fans.  Anyways, with millions of men away on Sundays, wives become angry and the troubled marriages begin.  Women argue why the guy needs to spend sixty dollars to go to a game when he can just watch it at home.  Women argue why the guy has to leave for the game four hours before it even starts.  These are little examples, of a troubled marriage beginning.  Imagine!  Without football, millions of divorces could have been prevented.  However, with that, millions of divorce attorneys would be out of a job.  Do you smell a conspiracy with the NFL and divorce lawyers.  I need to call Robert Langdon.  Wait a minute; I do not think this is Langdon’s type of conspiracies.

With no football, what would replace the spectacle of the Super Bowl?  What one event, would millions of people host parties and spend that whole night celebrating that certain event?  It cannot be baseball, basketball, or hockey because those championships do not have one single game.  It cannot be the MLS, because there are not a million people willing to watch the championship.  Yes, I believe without the NFL the MLS would be more popular, but I do not predict it eclipse anything close to the NFL popularity.  But then the question came upon me:  Is NASCAR considered a sport?  I am not a big NASCAR fan, but because of its popularity and danger I will consider it a sport.  With no football, I think NASCAR will become the biggest sport in the country. With that, it only makes sense that the Daytona 500 be the event.  However, to make the event more “primetime” it would begin at night and each car would have different sponsorships for the event.  Sponsorships will have to pay a lot more money for the Daytona event compared to other events.  For example, to advertise the new Denzel Washington movie, Paramount will pay three million dollars for Denzel’s face on Jimmie Johnson’s car.  These expensive advertisements will replace the need for commercials.

Oh crap this article could go on forever.  I know many of you are tempted to switch to a Bill Simmons’ article so I will switch to the abridge version.  Here I go:

What if there was no football……

Ben Roethlisberger would be riding his motorcycle even more (but the bike would be a lot cheaper).
Drew Rosenhaus would be competing with Scott Boras in baseball.
Terrell Owens would be in the NBA Developmental League.
Thanksgiving would be just another holiday.
Green Bay would be miserable during the winter.
Jeremy Bloom would be skiing.
Drew Henson would still be in minor league baseball.
The University of Miami would not be referred to as "the U."
Dhani Jones would be an English Professor at the University of Michigan.
Mel Kiper Jr. would still be analyzing speed, height, and instincts, but this time for the new National Rugby League's draft.  Kiper- "He does not have great speed, but he is elusive and able to break tackles.  Solid pick by the Detroit Gangstas."

From 5/23/2006
So in honor of the dead period, I would like to give some better ideas of how to spend your time as you wait for football season to begin:

It’s Wedding Season, go crash a wedding.  You know I always have thought Wedding Season was purposely placed during the NFL dead season.  I mean what kind of groom in his right mind would schedule a wedding during football season.  With that, the art of “Wedding Crashing” began.  Thousands of single men had nothing to do during the dead months of football, so they did the only thing they knew how to do:  pick up eligible ladies at weddings.  Who would have thought weddings and football would have such a relationship?


From 2/9/2006
Anyone see the Grammy's on Wednesday?  I saw about 1/4 of the show.  After 3 hours, I could not watch anymore.  I mean do the Grammys really need an award for every specific genre?  Even Senator Barack Obama won a Grammy for Best Spoken Word Album. 

If Obama became the President in the future he would not even be the first president with a Grammy.  Bill Clinton has won two.


From 12/16/2005
I have been debating this question:  Is it a turn on for a girl to be a sports fan?  Part of me wants a woman to be a huge sports fan.  Knowing all the players, stats, etc.  But another part of me wants a woman who lets me watch football with the guys while she goes out shopping.  It is a question I have long debated.  People assume because I love football that I would want a football fanatic girlfriend.  But in all honesty, I might want the exact opposite.  I mean would I really want to be on a date and spend the whole time debating if the Vikings should trade Daunte Culpepper.  This question could also answer why I have such bad luck with women.


From 10/24/2005
Bill Romanowski has admitted to steroid use.  I'm shocked!  By the way, I admit to using Cavity Protection toothpaste.  I know the Cavity Protection toothpaste gives me an unfair advantage against those cavities, but I need the boost.  I would like to thank my dentist for hooking me up.

Worst Job ever:  I saw this on VH1 so you know this is important.  Rich people who love their dogs can board them at these 5-start hotels for dogs.  And if you are willing to pay the extra cash, you can give your dog a "sleeping buddy."  Yes!  You can pay for a human being to sleep with your dog so your dog is not lonely.  I have one question about these sleeping budddies:  Who would be brave enough to tell people that in your occupation you sleep with dogs?.


From 9/21/2005
People say Matt Cassel could be the next Tom Brady.  But if that was to happen, Tom Brady would have to become the next Drew Bledsoe.

The Indianapolis Colts signed Corey Simon to a max contract:  Simon has a max weight he must stay under.

Are the 49ers smart for starting Tim Rattay over Alex Smith?  Not really, but when you have that kind of choice, its almost like deciding do I take the Kia or the Geo, you just can't win.

Read Abromowitz's "Choosing an NFL City to Relocate to" and "Wednesday Night Debate"